I (Stephanie) debated and debated about writing this blog. It’s really personal, shows off a LOT of our flaws, and just really shows everyone we are far from perfect. But you know what? That’s ok. On social media, we are normally our best selves. We only post the pictures we want people to see, we only share things that are positive, and we really censor ourselves a lot. A lot of people tell us that we have an almost perfect marriage, our boys are so happy and well behaved, and that they are so proud of us for being so successful. And while it’s wonderful to hear those things, these people didn’t see the fight that Kent and I had the other week that was so intense that I had to leave the house for several hours. They didn’t see the temper tantrum that Spencer threw because he was so wrapped up in playing with his transformers that he refused to put on his shoes so we could go to church. They didn’t see the bills that we were late paying for the first time since we’ve been married because we’re still learning how to manage our finances.
They don’t see the work that we have to put into our marriage.
Because marriage IS work. If there is one thing we would want to communicate to all the couples that come into our lives, it’s this: Saying “I do” isn’t the end of your journey. It’s only the beginning. We’re coming up on our six year anniversary in just a few short days, and while six years hardly makes us marriage professionals, it has dropped a lot of experiences in our lap that have helped us gain wisdom to get through the less glamorous portions of our marriage.
1. Love is a Choice
When people think about falling in love, they think about those butterflies that you get in your stomach. They think about waiting next to the phone just waiting for that person to call or answer your text message. They think about that goofy smile that you get when you think about them or when they send you a “just because” gift. They think about wanting to spend every waking moment together. Being the first person on your mind when you wake up, and the last person you think about before you close your eyes. And while those things are wonderful, let’s be honest. They don’t last forever, and unfortunately no one ever seems to want to talk about that part. When those butterflies fade, you’re left with nothing but reality. And the reality might be that he constantly leaves up the toilet seat, leaves his dirty socks everywhere, and leaves globs of toothpaste in the sink. Or it might be that she spends too much time with her friends and not enough with you, she likes to shop a little too much, and has a bad temper that you no longer think is cute. And because of that temper, you might realize that after years, you’re afraid to communicate with her. Because staying silent is much better than getting your head ripped off…no matter what your silence is costing you. When you’re left with these realities and no more butterflies, you must CHOOSE to love your spouse. It is a choice to see the good in your spouse every day instead of focusing on the negative. Yes, he might be a slob, but he’s a hard worker who will do anything for his family. It is a choice to remember why you fell in love in the first place. Yes, she might love her Kohl’s card a little too much, but she’s thoughtful and passionate. I recently got a tattoo after a very rough year last year. It says, “Love is enough.” And you know what? I truly believe that it is. In ALL circumstances. Because the secret to not getting divorced? Don’t get one. Choose to love. Choose to work. Choose to be positive. After all, God is Love. And if anyone is enough, it’s Him.
2. Learn Each Other’s Love Language
If you haven’t read, “The Five Love Languages,” stop what you’re doing and click on this link right now and add it to your shopping cart. This book changed our lives. Yes, it was that important to us! Basically, it groups how people speak and receive love into five categories: quality time, acts of service, physical touch, gifts, and words of affirmation. Kent is a servant at heart. He loves to serve and help other people, and will bend over backwards to do so. Of course I know this about him. In fact, it’s one of the reasons I love him so much. So the fact that I was getting upset that he was spending so much time helping other people was confusing to both of us. It sounded selfish of me, and I would never ever want him to change because helping others brings so much joy to him. After realizing that my love language is quality time, it made a whole lot more sense. On the other hand, I have a bit of a temper, and can sometimes say things I don’t mean, especially in the heat of an argument. It made me feel like a really big jerk when the smallest things I said had SUCH a huge impact on Kent. When we learned that his love language was words of affirmation, it made so much sense how my words could tear him down in a matter of seconds. Learning how your spouse expresses and receives love will help you communicate with him/her so much more, and it will really help you to understand what they find important. And as people grow and change, their love language can also change. Kent’s did! Speaking of change…
3. Change is Inevitable
Have you ever heard someone say something along the lines of, “I just don’t understand…he’s not the same man I married!”? Yeah. We have too. And I’m going to be honest…that phrase really never made a whole lot of sense to us. You see, the truth about humans is we’re growing and changing all the time. To complain about someone you love changing simply doesn’t sit right in my brain. I would think that you’d have more of a right to complain if someone you love NEVER changes. Because if someone isn’t changing, they aren’t learning. And if they aren’t learning, they aren’t growing. High school sweethearts are a real thing. They still exist! In fact, we’ve had the honor of photographing a few we’ve met, ourselves! Now imagine that that person never changed. Do you really want to be married to someone with the mentality of a 17 year old boy your entire life? I don’t know about you, but a life of fart jokes, Call of Duty, and Friday night football games does NOT sound like my idea of how I want to spend the rest of my life. Your spouse will not be the same person he/she is in five years. And you know what? That’s ok. Marriage isn’t about never ever changing. Marriage is about learning to grow and change TOGETHER. And the more you communicate and create a safe place for communication and connection, the more that’s possible. Which brings us to our next point.
4. Connection is Key
Our schedules fill up fast. Between weddings, editing, family time, meetings, cleaning, getting together with friends, church, etc…it’s hard to find a few moments to ourselves. Seriously. You should see our October. You would cry. We have to be INTENTIONAL about our time together. Even if it’s just catching up for a few moments after the kids go to bed. Or scheduling a date night (or a year’s worth of date nights!) and actually sticking to it. It’s making our marriage a priority. Yes, sometimes we feel selfish for dropping our kids of at Grandma’s so we can go out (or stay in!) and enjoy ourselves. But it is so necessary! One time, we asked my mom if she would take the kids home after church for just a couple of hours. And Kent and I just kinda did a whole lot of nothing. We went to the craft store, went to our local ice cream shop, grabbed some movie theater popcorn, and went home and watched a movie in our basement. And you know what? It was so much fun. And it sparked some much needed conversation. Being together doesn’t always have to mean going out and having an expensive date night…even though our yearly epic date night is a TON of fun! Sometimes it’s just about staying in and snuggling under a blanket when it’s cold outside. Do whatever it takes to be able to connect on these three levels: enjoyable, emotional, physical. Enjoy your time with one another. Have fun! Go mini golfing or play basketball. Don’t be afraid to be emotional and vulnerable with your spouse. It’s why they’re your spouse! And if you find that you have a hard time doing that, figure out why (like maybe your wife has a temper and makes it hard for you to be honest) and realize that whatever it is, it’s ok. Because we’re only people. But your spouse loves you and wants you to communicate with them, so work together to work through it. Kent is emotionally constipated, while Stephanie has emotional diarrhea. :p If WE can find a way to effectively communicate (most of the time, anyway…), then anyone can. And communication is important, because if that crumbles, then you don’t have a leg to stand on. And yes. Be physical. Get into a tickle fight. Snuggle. Have sex. Yes, I said it. Sex is the unique way we have to connect with our spouse on a very deep level. And we don’t know about you guys, but when we go long periods of time without it, we can tell. Because things tend to get ugly. :p
5. Put Your Spouse First
I might get some guff for this one, but I think it’s important. Aside from our relationship with Christ, our spouse comes before anything. Before your parents? Yes. Before your friends? Yes. Before your (gasp!) kids? Yes. Allow me to explain: Yes, your family was there before your spouse ever was. But this is the person that you have decided to join with to create a new life together. This is the person who you have vowed “until death do us part.” Your spouse is going to be with you long after your parents are gone. This person is your life. In some cases, your friends may have even been there before your spouse ever was. And while guys need some guy time and girls need some girl time, it’s important to never put that in front of the needs of your spouse. We took our vows very seriously, and in order to be there for a person in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better and for worse…they need to be a priority to you. Now, allow me to preface this next part: We. Love. Our. Kids. I’m sure that is no surprise for those of you who follow us on Facebook and Instagram. 😉 They are the breath in our lungs sometimes! They are the reason we work so hard. We form our schedule around them. They are incredible. And even though we would do anything for them without a second thought, we still put each other first. Why? Because if we don’t have a solid marriage, we won’t be solid parents. Now, I am in no way implying that divorced parents cannot still be good parents. I know the exact opposite to be true from a very close friend of mine. However, kids are work. They are TONS of work. Especially while they’re little. It’s so easy to get so exhausted from parenting that you have nothing left over for your spouse. But if you don’t make him/her a priority, your marriage will suffer. It takes tons of communication to be on the same page with our kids. And we don’t have time to do that if we don’t make it happen. We always tell our kids that Mommy and Daddy are a team. Even teams take time-outs sometimes. Don’t be afraid to take a few every now and then. 😉
P.S. Thanks to R&G Photography for these photos of us!
kentandstephanie 